1) Their last name stays put. 2) Their garage is all theirs. 3) They can never be pregnant. 4) They can wear a white T-shirt
Tag: fun
Milkshake for James Bond?
Famously, Bond, James Bond, likes his Martinis shaken not stirred. His milk too maybe?
Stay! Stay! Stay!
This is my dog Rover. I have trained him to remain completely still and not react to any distractions. Cool eh?
I’m watching you!
Now then. You can spend a good few moments examining everything in this picture. But. I’m still watching you.
Baby On Board
I’ve often seen cars sporting the yellow ‘Baby On Board’ signs and wondered what it meant. Now I understand…
Where are the black dots?
Hey. You can help me. I need to map exactly and precisely where the black dots are. I am finding this extremely difficult. If you
Naked Men, hanging
Not that I ever have, but had I ever Googled for ‘Naked Men‘ I might have found these, erm, ‘naked men’. These are certainly ‘naked
Can you pass the Engineer’s Test?
Just so you know. Christopher England passes this test with flying colours. Sigh….
As easy as riding a bike
Ah, the 1980s. Back to the days before we had digital photography. In those days you had to wait for your film to be developed
Mermaids are real
Don’t let anybody tell you that Mermaids don’t exist. They are always there as part of the much bigger picture. Always…
Which button will you press?
Ah, but will you pick the button based on its colour or the power it gives you? Do girls go for different powers to boys?
Being a Baby Doll
I work in a lovely cocoon. Sometimes I have to spend times away in somewhat remote areas. In order to pretend I have all my
Crocodiles on the River Thames
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how
Books are just so pointless and cruel
Surely it’s time to move into an era which stops deliberately using up Mother Earth’s precious resources. Yet, with considerable malice and forethought there’s an
This is a journey into my dreams
Can you spot me in this?
Get the lay-dees to come in out of the cold
Yeah, for the frigid female. You know who you are! My only concern is how short the power lead is. Having to lay oneself so
Shocking studio sex orgy at Radio Caroline North
We can reveal that there is more to the pop-up Radio Caroline North than meets the eye. Indeed, it’s not just the radio station itself
The truth about my hair
Not unlike the Beatles, every day I wake up, get out of bed, drag a comb across my head. But it still happens. If I
A nurse’s guide to the apocalypse
We can trust our nursing professionals to be prepared whatever the disaster we face.
The annoucement the BBC has been itching to make
You just know they hate humanity so much that they can’t wait for their worst fearmongering to come true so’s they can write this…
Analogue clocks are favoured by mad people
I am not alone in not being able to understand these round things with shapes and a few numbers on that are supposed to tell
We are very small and a long way away
A lot of people say that Christopher England is from another planet. I’ve no idea how they found out, but hey, humans miss out on
The Blue Screen of Death
The Blue Screen of Death is something I recall from the days of computers working to a central server, typically managed by IT departments that
How odd is Radio England UK?
So, a radio station using the name ‘England‘ has got to be cool, right? ‘England‘ is such a good name. No? Erm, well I’ve been
Save yourselves! They want to harvest humanity
OMG … OMG … OMG Yet again, the world is about to end! It appears that a massive ‘asteroid’ just – somehow – flew between the moon
We messed with the clocks and we destroyed nature
OMG! OMG! OMG! What the hell have we done? Humans just have to fiddle don’t they. They are obviously to blame for the terrible events
No baby planes for Qantas
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying Qantas from Sydney to Auckland. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his
All little girls are like this. Fact
Yes. Any parent will agree. Any parent of a little girl. This is truly what they are like. Not like angelic boys, who are never
We need more singing lifts
You’ve heard of ‘elevator muzak’, right? That’s the lounge-style stuff that’s already burbling away in a lift (the proper name for what Americans call ‘elevator’)
The truth about how things began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the
Radio Caroline Extra Extra, read all about it
It is compulsory for me to mention Radio Caroline at least once every few months, so as I listen to Carmen Allgood‘s excellent Indie Music
Friends Reunited
Jan, Sue and Mary haven’t seen each other since secondary school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch
Bollywood soaps are so bloomin’ addictive
You know what it’s like when you’ve got 500 TV channels but nothing to watch? Well, being too busy, I rarely watch TV. Seriously. I
Let England Decide
It was, I think, only a few days ago, that I received a communication from a good friend of mine, who, to avoid an international
The Kids’ Guide to the Internet
There are many people moaning and complaining about the internet these days, especially when it comes to kids on the internet. But do they truly
How to cull junk mail
Now all that’s needed is an e-mail version! ~ ~ There’s plenty more, plus the option to comment on this at: http://www.ChristopherEngland.com ~ ~
The day I nearly made toast of a major superstore
People like toast. I like toast. Toast smells nice. Mid-mornings people want toast. So, we bought a toaster. Rather, I was sent out to buy
Heavy Gravity
It’s not just me is it? Gravity changes, doesn’t it? And it does it when the weather changes, right? It’s been seasonably hot, right? And
OMG A woman has had a baby
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
OMG A woman is going to have a baby
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG
Ever decreasing attention spans
It might be a good thing that modern generations are increasingly multi-tasking, but it does seem that they are also increasingly unable to concentrate on
Zombies surround my car
I sat in the car for a couple of hours with the radio blaring out. Rather than the superior DAB I’d normally be listening to,
I might live on The World
So, life changing decisions are tough. And where we live and what our home is like is so very important. I mean, I’m not one
Test your English pronunciation
Dearest creature in creation, Study English pronunciation. I will teach you in my verse Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, and worse. will keep you, Suzy,
Grass, man, grass
When I first landed on this planet, I befriended an actual human, and explained I was new here. He was great because he taught me
You just lost the game
Rule 1: You are playing The Game.You, along with everyone else in the world, always is, always has been, and always will be playing The Game.
The Costa Starbucks
Not a set-up, honest. It’s exactly what I saw and snapped on my phone. The Starbucks is the one that has entrances in Bold Street
Where are all the poor people?
I’ve mentioned this before, but I am constantly told that the North West, especially Liverpool is poor. Liverpool as a city is not a poor
That critical Big L review
In a previous article, or, ok, maybe two (here and here), I declared my love of Steve and Suzy, the Sunday morning duo on internet
A spider is a girl’s best friend
Aha. Now I understand. I’ve often wondered why I could here screams of ‘Oh My God’ and very loud whimpering followed by an explanation from
My So-shell Meeja Strategy
I have been considering what I should be doing and where, when it comes to my use of social media or social networks. But, alas,
Sunday morning’s with Steve and Suzy
I have ‘anoraked’ about Steve and Sue before. Oh yes, I have. Both on this fine blog and elsewhere, I have had to declare my
Taking women’s safety seriously
Well, this truly is a brilliant idea. I’m not for positive discrimination based on sex, but we do have to protect those more vulnerable groups,
Stop Boredom – Be Cillie
April 1st is traditionally April Fool’s Day. A day when we trick our fellow humans with hilarious pranks and jolly japes. These day, of course,
Derren Brown really is Infamous
So, I went to the Liverpool Empire last night to watch Derren Brown. Now here’s the thing; I made a silent promise to Derren not
My Barclaycard skin tag
Before the lawyers start to circle, I’m not slagging off Barclaycard, ok? So, anyway, I have recently acquired a Barclaycard “pay tag“. This is a
Facebook is full of stupid people
One of the issues that distresses me about Facebook is that its users are allowed to vote, reproduce and freely co-exist with human beings. Lord
Don’t let the Landshark get you
Depending on one’s mind and imagination the word ‘Landshark‘ conjures different images. For me, with a childish snigger, it makes me think of the, er, sexual
The bed that was far too low
~ ~ There’s plenty more, plus the option to comment on this at: http://www.ChristopherEngland.com ~ ~
Upgrading from Boyfriend to Husband
Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and
The Scouse Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the Social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong
The Headlines from the year 2033
Lucky for me, my future self slips media reports back in time for me to read. This is how I always appear to be so
Happy Birthday to me (yet again)!
Aw. Shucks. You’ve come here because you know it’s my birthday, innit. Yes, today, February 7th is my birthday. Today is almost as bad for
Nothing’s moving, ok?
~ ~ There’s plenty more, plus the option to comment on this at: http://www.ChristopherEngland.com ~ ~
Listen to Steve and Suzy on Sundays
I don’t see Sunday mornings that often. I tend to emerge from my sleeping pit in the afternoon. However, when Sunday mornings have to be
The Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources DirectorTO: All EmployeesDATE: October 1, 2012 RE: Gala Christmas
The sex test
So then… Are you a) Male or b) Female? If you are not sure, then have a look further down to find out. No, not
2013: The Next Generation?
~ ~ There’s plenty more, plus the option to comment on this at: http://www.ChristopherEngland.com ~ ~
Merry Christmas
Ho ho ho. Even as Father Christmas, Christopher England likes to mess about with the world. Will he ever learn? Not to worry. Have a
Faaaa!
Well, Christmas Eve is the last day that Father Christmas is available to be visited by the boys and girls of the world. Christmas Eve
Father!
Aha. Today all the mastic and the 10 minutes of carefully putting my Father Christmas beard on and making sure it is properly glued on
Father Chris!
A pattern emerged at the beginning of the month. Very young children and babies would come to visit Father Christmas before about 3pm, and definitely in the
Father Christmas!
Disaster! My Elf has gone sick. She was spluttering a bit yesterday and seemed less than her usual, er, elf, and so today is staying
Father Christmas Do!
Spending all day in a grotto dressed as Father Christmas is having its toll. It was only a few weeks before this that I was
Where’s WALL-E?
Remember the film about the little robot, WALL-E? Remember the fun books Where’s Wally? Well, how about trying to find WALL-E? He’s somewhere in this
But … where am I?
Where am I? I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in
Fifty sheds of Grey
The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has seduced women and baffled blokes. Now, Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men. The book
Father Christmas Do Not!
I’m still Father Christmas sitting in a grotto. Yes I am! Four kids came in together today. I don’t think they were brothers and sisters.
Father Christmas Do Not Touch!
A ‘grandfather’ was wheeled into my grotto. Wheelchair bound, he was accompanied by about 10 others. There were different generations all gathered together, most making
Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me!
There are only a few different types of parents or grandparents. And, it’s mainly grandparents that are the awful pushy ones. Parents maybe less so.
Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me Ho!
As a Liverpudlian Father Christmas, I’m starting to notice that every child has one of a small selection of names. Why is nearly every boy
Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me Ho Ho!
Suited and booted, bearded and wigged, I am now Father Christmas. A grotto had been found for me, and day one was to consist of
Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me Ho Ho Ho!
How hard can it be dressing up as Father Christmas and working in a Grotto? It must be dead easy, right? Sigh. The first thing
Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me Ho Ho Ho Ho!
I think telling kids that Father Christmas exists is child abuse. Period. I believe it is cruel. I believe it should be outlawed and any
Car sex
Not that I’m a voyeur or anything, but look at those two having car sex… …You might have to strain to see exactly what they
Tony Blair versus David Cameron at the barber shop
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber,
The tale of the whip antenna
My lovely lady and I were making passionate love in the back of one of my work’s vans. These things happen, ok? It had been
Desert Island Scouser
One day a Scouser (that’s a man from Liverpool) decided to retire, having made his fortune from selling skunk. He booked himself on a Caribbean
That moment of male ecstacy
He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face. His wife, her heart pounding, her face flushed, moved slowly and gently, forwards, then
How likely is my Bluetooth headset to work again?
NB: Not my Bluetooth headset. Not even my face, honest. The additional information you need: It fell off my ear and into the loo. It
The day I nearly made toast of a major superstore
People like toast. I like toast. Toast smells nice. Mid-mornings people want toast. So, we bought a toaster. Rather, I was sent out to buy
Happy Halloween
Let’s hope you get a full moon tonight… ~ ~ There’s plenty more, plus the option to comment on this at: http://www.ChristopherEngland.com ~ ~
Important facts mainly about animals
Bored? Here’s some stuff to tell your work colleagues. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough
It’s the way I tell ’em…
The Grim Reaper came for me last night.I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.Talk about Dyson with death. A mate of mine recently admitted
Real man’s Engineering Guide
~ ~ There’s plenty more, plus the option to comment on this at: http://www.ChristopherEngland.com ~ ~
The bald headed man with a wooden leg
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Christmas fancy-dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide
Me and my Satnav
I have a little SatnavIt sits there in my carA Satnav is a driver’s friendIt tells you where you areI have a little SatnavI’ve had
Do you ignore the inter-dimensional beings too?
I’ve never understood why humans generally don’t discuss what happens to them at night. I can only assume it’s because they are in denial. The
I got me a tattoo
Yay!I’ve joined the ranks of the mad people who bow down to ‘ink’.I was very concerned about exactly what sort of tattoo I should get.I
England's England 