The Grim Reaper came for me last night.
I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I was driving this morning when I saw an R.A.C. van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown.
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that, 2.30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.
At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse.
A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
He says what do you expect?
You’re in a wheelchair.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London.
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
The wife was counting all the 5p’s and 10p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change”
A teddy bear is working on a building site.
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.
The foreman grins at the bear and says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
Just got back from my mate’s funeral.
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.