It’s the way I tell ’em…

The Grim Reaper came for me last night.
I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. 
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time. 

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. 
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin.
3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. 
I thought to myself, they’ve lost the plot!! 

My girlfriend asked me for a pet spider for her birthday.
I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!!   
Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. 

I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over. 

I start a new job in Seoul next week. 
I thought it was a good Korea move. 

I was driving this morning when I saw an R.A.C. van parked up. 
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. 
I thought to myself that guy’s heading for a breakdown. 

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy. 

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that, 2.30am?!  
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes. 

I was thinking of buying a Labrador.
Then I thought “Bugger that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind?” 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice.  
At least I presume she was poor – she only had £1.20 in her purse. 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. 
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet. 

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.  
He says what do you expect? 
You’re in a wheelchair. 

The wife has been missing a week now. 
Police said to prepare for the worst. 
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back. 

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London. 
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam. 

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today.
She shut her eyes and stopped breathing. 
I thought she was dead until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby. 

The wife was counting all the 5p’s and 10p’s out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. 
I thought to myself, “She’s going through the change” 

Bought some ‘rocket salad’ yesterday but it went off before I could eat it! 

A teddy bear is working on a building site. 
He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. 
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. 
The foreman grins at the bear and says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.” 

You ask why I’m talking into this envelope?
Durr, obviously I’m sending a voicemail! 

Just got back from my mate’s funeral. 
He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.