So. Guys.

Christopher England, you face daily anguishes, a lot of which you write about via ‘England’s England’. Are there issues between you and people?

Specific people, or people meaning the herd that’s out there?

Let’s go with the herd.

Well, the herd annoy me because they are ‘the herd’. I find just superficial interaction alarmingly annoying.

Give us an example.

Ok. When I’m addressed by a waiter. For reasons I can’t fathom, my partner and I become ‘guys’. As in, “Hi guys, can I get you any drinks?” Where the feck did this ‘guys’ word come from? This is an informal word that should be used by a member of a group of mates to the rest of the group, as in, “Ok guys what we doing tonight?” Every time a waiter uses ‘guys’ as part of an address to people at the table I’m at, I mentally deduct 1% of the tip I would have left. Some waiters are quite shocked at the end of an evening when I present them with a ‘guys’ bill rather than a tip.

So, your issues are about respect or about language use?

Maybe a bit of both, but the way people speak annoys me greatly. Hey. Like that word ‘so’. I mean, you ask a person any question and they start their answer with the word ‘so’. Why the feck do they do that? I might ask a question like, “How old are you?” The reply will be, “So. I’m 25.” What’s the feckin’ ‘so’ doing there? People answering questions by starting with an irrelevant ‘so’ are everywhere. They are in the media, on your tellybox, and on the news. The tossers with tedious Powerpoint presentations. The lovers of ridiculous buzzwords and pointless corporate verbal mulch. All of them starting their answers with ‘so’. Can we just round them up and throw them off a cliff? The ‘so’ people also develop those annoying wondering accents with every sentence finishing as if they’ve just asked a question rather than supplied an answer.

dietcokeThis is a herd activity. The herd will do this. An individual will not. They will retain a sense of individual identity, dignity and personality. I like them, even if they are saying something I don’t agree with. The herd annoy me even if they are saying something I agree with.

The herd are usually easily led. They’ll fall for and help propagate fake news and clickbait. They’ll fall for lies because they won’t do actual reality checks. Well, they do, but they’ll ‘believe’ fake news sites or memes that their mates have posted rather than any logically argued counter claim or position. Bizarre places like ‘The Canary’ which exist purely as clickbait and rely on propagating fake news and negative slurs aimed at dissing the Government or establishment, will get ‘accepted’ as legitimate news sources. Mental.

You’re not a happy chappy most of the time then, Christopher?

No. Humans. 99% of them get on my tits. And I‘m a man with no tits. Well, I’ve got moobs, but no tits. Apart from the humans. Such a paradox.

Maybe we should leave it there, and you’ll put that can of Diet Coke in the bin rather than keep crushing it in your hand won’t you?


Because your hand is bleeding quite profusely.