Why are football chants so gay?

The football season is here. This means that men, because it’s always mainly men, will be performing their strange aggressive singing. Why is it always so aggressive?

terracesWhat seems to be part of the ritual is to get very drunk and to hug each other. Whilst tenderly embracing each other they start to sing loudly, spitting into each other’s mouths as the words come out. Why do football fans chant and spit so close to each other, face into face, like they are going to kiss? It’s all quite weird behaviour, considering that most of them are quite homophobic.

So, anyway, football fans have these tribal songs and chants they are forced to sing at each other either in the pub or on the terraces. Why are none of them gentle?

Why do none of the songs they ‘sing’ have a tune beyond monotone aggressive grunting? Football songs are never pretty, are they?

I realise that blind drunk men can never hold a tune, find a melody, or create a pitch that woos the listener, but you’d think they’d try. Or is it because they are busy keeping their voices gruff and manly so as to not give away their sexual desires for the men they are, well, ‘cuddling’ as they drink and sing?

It’s time for a football fan to finally sober up and confess!