So, as explained before, I am a paradox. I absolutely hate oldies. Old songs. Especially the same old same old oldies. And in order to torment me, radio stations obsessively play the same old oldies over and over and over and over again. A song that was on high radio play rotation back in 1965 remains on high radio play rotation 50 bloody years later. The same songs played day in day out, week in week out, month in month out, year in year out, decade in decade out, for 50 years. Kill me now!
Anyway, I hate oldies.
There’s an internet radio station called Big L. It plays oldies, so I can’t listen to it without my head exploding. Except of course, as I’ve mentioned in previous articles, the complete paradox is that I listen to Steve and Sue’s Sunday Service every Sunday without fail (Big L Sundays 10am to 12noon here). It’s their hilarious and witty content that I listen for, not the songs they play.
OK, a slight lie there. I don’t listen every Sunday. I listen in batches when I can. You see, as a busy man, international playboy and always on demand sex god, I can’t tune in ‘live’. Instead, I download each show from the Big L Listen Again page (here) and it sits on my huge mansize Google Drive until the moment is right and I can splurt it into my ears.
This means I always seem to be listening a month in arrears. Sad, innit.
So, there was a recent Steve and Sue Sunday Service playing through one of the UK’s most expensive sound systems at my place of work one very early morning at around 4am. Steve and Sue were keeping me awake whilst I was waiting for less expensive equipment to finish rendering something.
Suddenly I heard Steve say my name, “Christopher England”. He then mentioned that I sometimes complained about the same songs being played over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. He also said that he’d never met me but when he heard the following record it made him think of me.
He then played Aqua’s song Barbie Girl.
Whaaaaaa? Steve James thinks I’m a Barbie Girl living in a Barbie World?
Well, either that or he think’s I’m Barbie’s boyfriend Ken.
I’m not sure which is the most insulting. I mean, if he is saying I’m Ken, then he’s really telling the world that he thinks I haven’t got a willy.
You ever undressed Ken and looked? Yep, absolutely smooth down there.
Mind you, Barbie’s not got a, er, lady garden, either. So, if he’s saying I’m Barbie, then he’s saying I’m all pert boobies and no lady garden. How dare he call me a ‘tit’!
(Not that I own and have undressed both Barbie and Ken, your honour. A friend told me, officer.)
I’m sure you can appreciate that this abuse over the UK’s most expensive sound system shocked and stunned me. I have demanded an explanation.