News finally reaches me that I found almost impossible to comprehend.  It was so shocking and horrific that I was stopped in my tracks when I was told.

Indeed, I had to be told very carefully, what with me being an extremely sensitive fella an’ all. “Sit down, Christopher,” started my friend and confidant. After checking my blood pressure and me ensuring that I had taken all of my meds, he revealed to me that the group calling themselves “Radio Caroline” broadcasting on DAB and the internet was not the real Radio Caroline.

I was devastated.

Not the real Radio Caroline?

I admit that for a few hours I wept uncontrollably.

Indeed, it was explained to me, that over the many years of broadcasting at sea, two interplaying and integral devices proved that the ship was broadcasting the real Radio Caroline.  Firstly, inbetween the studio and transmitter the “LA Box” was always fitted in order to filter out ‘DA’.  Any use of the call-sign ‘Radio Caroline’ without the “LA Box” fitted would be obvious to any true Radio Caroline anorak.

Secondly, at the top of each hour, the ship’s bell would sound a ‘ding ding’. The ‘Caroline bell’ proved the authenticity of the Radio Caroline transmissions since nobody else would be able to use it.

So, a combination of the “LA Box” and the top of the hour Caroline bell helped prove the authenticity of the Radio Caroline broadcasts as well as pump out a calming influence that helped to dissipate the anger of ISIS and bring love and rainbows to troubled societies.

Although not in possession of the “LA Box”, the Radio Caroline broadcasts continued for some years via the internet and more recently DAB.  Many true Caroline anoraks could tell something was wrong. They knew the vibe was not quite right. They could feel the lack of the “LA Box” and the more curious questioned this in public.  Naturally, these dissenters were slowly disposed of in ways that are far too gruesome to describe.

The less mentally able anoraks were left believing that no “LA Box” was needed in order to authenticate the broadcasts.  They, at the very least, were hearing the Caroline bell every hour, even if there was no obvious DA filtering in the output.

Then suddenly the final nail in the coffin. The top of the hour Caroline bell disappeared.

The world of radio anoraksia was shaken. Three anoraks were admitted into hospital, four others had to double up on their meds in order to cope.

Oh my God!  For many years they’d been tuned into a false idol.

That’s like an anorak finding out that the stunning bride they’d ordered from Thailand (most anoraks find wives this way) not only had the largest breasts and curviest body, but also a considerably sized penis.

So, here we are with the Radio Caroline that every anorak had assumed was the real one, now unable to broadcast the Caroline bell.

A few insiders have tried to reveal what is really going on, but as soon as anybody speaks out they are ‘disappeared’, leaving the information coming out as sporadic and unconfirmed.

One person close to management of this apparently false Radio Caroline has admitted that the Caroline bell was liberated by a crack team of operatives from the real Radio Caroline.

Furthermore, the real Radio Caroline would be broadcasting “very soon” with both the “LA Box” and the Caroline bell.

Exciting times for true Radio Caroline fans. Exciting times.