No Fish and Chips in Liverpool

I’ve said it before. I’ll say it again. There are NO Fish and Chips shops in Liverpool. That’s extremely odd for a city that’s a traditional sea port, and sea being where fish live.

There are, however, a huge number of Chinese takeaways that pretend they are Fish and Chips shops. The majority of these Chinese takeaways that are pretending they are Fish and Chips shops are not owned and run by Chinese people but by Vietnamese people.

P1000966You see, a proper Fish and Chips shop sells a variety of fish, usually freshly fried to order in batter, and served with a generous portion of chipped potato fried to a succulent crispy golden brown. As an example, let me whisk you away to Ramsey, Isle of Man, and to Bourne Plaice.  This is a proper Fish and Chips shop, and is probably the best on the entire island.  Heck, just look at the menu!  Not a list of four hundred ‘Chinese’ items to be seen anywhere.

In Liverpool, even though some of the Vietnamese run Chinese takeaways have names like ‘Mr Cod’ they rarely sell a variety of fish, and certainly never have any cod.  If they have any fish, then it’s usually whiting, but never specified as to what it actually is.  Usually the servers have no idea what it might be. That doesn’t matter to the average Liverpudlian who has absolutely no idea that in other parts of the country a full range of different fish are available. In fact, most Liverpudlians never order ‘fish’ from a ‘Fish and Chips’ shop Chinese takeaway, but will order very old dry stale pies or just non-brown extremely undercooked anaemic chips made from old rotting potatoes swimming in an oil sludge of curry flavoured quick-mix sauce.

Indeed, if fish is on the mind of every one in a hundred customers, they’ll just look through their drug induced haze at the Vietnamese server and grunt “Fish dinner”.  They never specify what the fish should be. I mean, do they want cod, maybe hake, maybe plaice, a lovely wing of skate, etc., etc.?  They have no idea.  Hence why they grunt “Fish”.

It probably doesn’t really matter what they are served, they will always be puking it up a few hours later.  This is a good way for the Vietnamese Chinese takeaway pretend Fish and Chips shops to get rid of stuff that’s gone off and is festering with e-coli and salmonella or has worms hatching within it.  Liverpudlians expect to vomit by the end of an evening.  The more they vomit the more they feel they must have had a good time, and of course, they will always blame the cocktail of excessive alcohol and mixture of drugs they’ve taken.  Rarely do they blame the Vietnamese Chinese takeaway pretend Fish and Chips shops.

Decades ago, Liverpool had loads of Fish and Chips shops, selling a range of fish and properly cooked chips. Sadly, it seems the modern generation no longer want this.  Meanwhile, for me, it’s getting very expensive having to commute to the Isle of Man just to get proper Fish and Chips.