Ohh, Ahh, Slurp, buzz buzz

This might be a true story.

I hate socialising. I hate people. But, my girlfriend and I went out with friends the other night to an award ceremony (I didn’t win again, damn it). We were running late, so they met us at ours. Well, I wasn’t running late, I’m a man. It was all her fault, see? Ok, so maybe it’s partially my fault, as she normally spends her life naked and chained to the bed (except when she’s at the kitchen sink), so getting dressed to go out is something she’s not too used to.

Anyway, so there’s 5 of us waiting in the living room in my home, making that tedious small talk you have to make, whilst me bird is in the bedroom next to the living room. Before they’d arrived, I’d had a wash and a shave, and changed my t-shirt (well, it had been on for about 3 weeks).

I’ve got one of those mighty-fine modern electronic shavers that you put into a charging and cleaning base bit after you’ve used it. It’s like a mini-washing machine, doing strange buzzing noises, and gurgling as it pumps a cleaning liquid through the blade bit. Anything to avoid having to do manual work like brushing out the shaver after use, I say.

Now, my ‘other half’ has a leather fetish. She wears lots of it. Don’t ask, okay? It’s just who she is. So, she’d bought some new really long boots to wear for this night out. These have high heels and funny laces that take forever to tie up the side. Bending forward to try to get the boots on was giving her grief since she had already put on a very tight leather Basque. (I said, don’t ask!)

The poor girl was puffing and panting as she bent and squished her body to attend to the boots. Her moans and grunts were clearly audible in the living room. She was also getting very annoyed, and louder.

Just at this moment, my shaver cleaner was reaching its final rinse, so it was buzzing and gurgling away. This could also be heard in the living room.

The tedious small talk came to a sudden end, as everybody concentrated on listening to her stream of “Ahh” and “Oooh” mixed with “slurp” and “bzzzzzzz” from the shaver cleaner. “Don’t worry, I’m just coming!” she yelled to us just as I was trying to work out how to explain what they were actually hearing.

Oh well. They’d not have believed me.