Feline Paralysis


This always happens to me.

Hours of my life can pass, especially in the colder weather, when my duty as an electric blanket or living hot water bottle is demanded by a cat.

It is impossible to say ‘no’ to a cat. They hold special hypnotic powers over us puny human slaves.  They understand everything we say to them despite largely choosing to pretend they are dumb.

But, pretending they are dumb, plus acting as if they are cute are ploys. They know how to trigger a response from us to go out in the cold, wet, windy night to get them the cat food they desire.  They know how to make us feel guilty if we get the wrong one.

Cats go out at night and meet up secretly. They sit round telling stories of how they’ve trained their humans to do whatever they ask. Oh how they do catty laughter as they collectively chortle about how stupid we are.  If you’ve ever wondered why they are so keen to get out at night, it’s because you’ve been extra stupid and they are bursting to tell their mates a blow by blow account.  They award prizes amongst themselves, like a fresh spider, to the cat with the most ridiculous human.

Sharing a house with a cat is a privilege for a human.  We have to thank them by always sharing our own food with them. And, well, sharing and doing whatever they ask of us.

But mainly we share our laps, by their command.  Whilst on our laps they will control us and remind us not to move by gently opening their claws to make us still and know our place.

When they are not asleep, cats wash themselves.  For hours. And hours.  Why do cats wash themselves so much?