In London – yes, I know you’re going to get bored reading my constant contrasts with London – but, in London, as in other parts of the UK, there are Fish and Chips shops.

Yes, I’ve seen a proper Fish and Chips shop since being in these parts. In Southport. Like Fish and Chips shops in London it sold what can only be described as, well, Fish and Chips.

Chips are of course deep fried ‘chipped’ up potatoes. I think we’d all agree on that. It’s pretty standard. With me so far?

Now then, let’s get to the tricky part: ‘Fish’. Everywhere else outside of Liverpool, the ‘Fish’ word in the phrase ‘Fish and Chips’ normally indicates a variety of, well, fish. Entering a ‘Fish and Chips’ shop outside of Liverpool and staring at the menu will lead the prospective customer to have to choose from maybe cod, plaice, skate, rock, haddock, scampi, or more. As a side issue there may even be cod roe or saveloys, sausages, meat pies, etc., for those who don’t want actual fish with their chips.

A customer doesn’t walk in and ask for ‘fish’ anymore than they walk into a newsagent and grunt ‘newspaper’ and then just stand there with a vacant expression. They’ll ask for a specific named newspaper (except for The Sun, of course). Likewise, away from Liverpool a customer will ask for a named type of fish. “Good morrow young sir, a large cod and chips if you please, Mr Fish and Chips shopkeep,” might be a typical request.

London has takeaway food shops that just specialise in one style of take away. A Fish and Chips shop is just that and nothing else. So, with every other takeaway in Liverpool declaring it was a Fish and Chips shop, and fancying a nice piece of skate for my supper, imagine my surprise to discover that actually I’d entered a Chinese takeaway.

‘Fish and Chips’ in big bold letters on the outside; enter through the door, and it’s a Chinese takeaway with a huge massive Chinese food menu on the wall. Now then, in London, as a clue Chinese takeaways usually have the phrase ‘Chinese’ on the outside and sell Chinese food on the inside. This seems a fair and just rule to me.

Liverpool’s Fish and Chip shop fronts disguising Chinese takeaways is as bizarre as entering, say, McDonald’s only to discover it is actually a beds and mattresses shop. (Note to self: check out Liverpool’s McDonald’s to make sure they don’t sell beds and mattresses).

To compound this confusion, these “Fish and Chips” shops in Liverpool very rarely have available any actual fish! And when they do they have fish, they have no idea what it is. “I don’t know, it’s just fish,” retorted one fellow looking at me as if I’d dared to question his parentage. Again, I felt like I’d gone into a used car showroom and asked what make and model of cars were available and the salesman had retorted, “I don’t know, they’re just cars”.

So then, here I am living next to the sea. I can see the sea from the top of my road. Yet, Fish and Chips shops don’t have a selection of fish. In London, an hour’s drive from the nearest sea, Fish and Chips shops have a wide and wonderful range of different fish available for the discerning fish connoisseur.

Is there something I’m not understanding about this?