The Great Toilet Seat Debate

Men and women are different to each other. There are a number of places that this difference causes a little friction. One is in the toilet. The difference I’m thinking about causes no end of fights, arguments and divorces. The fight boils down to whether the toilet seat should be left down or left up at the end of that toilet’s use.

It is mainly the cry of women to have the seat left down, and mainly the cry of men to have the seat left up. See? Obvious friction in your average multi-sexed household. This can only be resolved by a careful scientific approach.

Let’s assume a household of one male and one female. I will also assume for this scientific experiment that the man always has the seat up when only wishing to stand above the toilet, rather than trusting his aim to somehow pass through to the toilet without any kind of residue forming on the seat.

So. Let’s consider the default position being that the seat should always be left down (except for the moment when men are using the toilet whilst still standing). What are the pros? Well, women don’t have to do anything. They just enter the room, remove their 25 layers of clothing and sit down. From this single action they can deal with both their number ones and their number twos. The only sex that suffers from the cons is the male. It means that unless it’s number twos time, every visit to the toilet for a man’s number one includes the action of lifting the seat and returning it down on completion.


Okay, let’s look at the pros and cons of leaving the seat up. Well, for most visits from a man it means no action needs to be taken with the seat. It only needs to be lowered if the calling is for a number two. The rest of the time he can sprinkle from a great height. However, for women it means every visit (for both number ones and number twos) includes the action of putting the seat down, then putting it back up after completion.

On balance it looks as if the seat will be moved more often if the default position is up, in our sample household of one male and one female (assuming they both visit the toilet for an equal quantity of number ones and number twos per day). Thus, using only the argument of wear on the hinge, the default position should be down. However, this means that women win, so I’ve obviously got to dig deeper….

Oh, yes, I remember now. There are other factors that have to be taken into consideration. One is the “strange moisture”.

“Strange Moisture” is what lurks under the toilet seat waiting to put its coldness onto your hand or finger-tips as you raise the seat. It tastes salty….erm….so a friend who chews his fingernails told me. This “strange moisture” must come from women. Not being one, I have no idea how they project the “strange moisture” from their bodies to under the toilet seat. Women deny being the originators of “strange moisture” – some even deny its existence, but what would they know if they never have to lift the seat, eh? Even if “strange moisture” collected under the seat from both sexes, then you still have a problem with other people’s “strange moisture” being less acceptable than your own, don’t ya?

I mean, who’s fart would you rather stay in a room with: Yours or theirs? Exactly. So, lifting the seat immediately after you have used the toilet, and leaving it in an upright position means that any new “strange moisture” will be from yourself, not another person. If you’ve got to have “strange moisture” on your fingers then best it is your own, I’d have thought. Whilst left in the upright position when not in use, any “strange moisture” residue will roll away naturally, so that the seat will be dry the next time it needs to be touched. You never get fingers full of other people’s “strange moisture”. A good “clean” argument for the default position being up in a mixed sex household, however usually strongly opposed by women.

So, in conclusion I would suggest that the seat should remain up at all times, not because I’m a male, honest, but because I’m a caring hygienic type of a guy.

Oh. Hang on a minute. Some toilets also have a lid as well as a seat. Erm. What’s the point of a lid if you never use it? Erm. It must be there for a reason. I suppose it means you can use the toilet to sit on when in the room doing other things, and it stops things falling down the pan into the water should you accidentally drop them. I thought finger-tips in “strange moisture” was bad until I had to fish my toothbrush out of the bowl the other week. Oh. Well, that must be a good argument for leaving not only the seat but the lid down as a default.

Well…erm…oh, piss…women win again.