If homosexuality is wrong, why did god make dogs gay?

I spoke previously about how I was volunteered to help look after a turtle and two dogs (here).

I am well known for not having an opinion about human sexuality beyond saying that as long as it is consensual, and informed, then what’s it got to do with me. That and pathologically hating those who feel they must have a say in others’ sexuality and sexual activity.

However, I wasn’t fully equipped to discover that the two dogs spent most of the day trying to have sex with each other.  Neither is a bitch, but that doesn’t seem to matter much to either.

These are homosexual dogs.  To be fair, they are probably bisexual.

So, dear god-botherers out there, why did your god make these dogs gay?  Or are you going to say these dogs are making a ‘lifestyle choice’?  Can dogs ‘choose’?  And if they aren’t choosing to be gay, your god certainly made them that way!  Maybe he did that with gay humans too, eh?

Anyway, these dogs are constantly trying to have sex with each other.  There is, however, the matter of size.

One of the dogs is a kinda cross between a poodle and a terrier.  I’m sure they have a proper breed name, but I know nothing about dawgs.  They are quite small, not tiny, but small.  And yappy.  When they bark, they put their head right back like a muppet might.  Not the muppets bark, of course.

The other dog is a very large husky dog.  Or maybe it’s a wolf.  It has those weird piercing eyes that aren’t the right kind of colour you feel safe with.  The colour that they have in scary movies.

But, as you can imagine, they are not size compatible, even if one was female.  So, instead of a consummated sex act, the smaller one spends his time trying to use parts of the bigger one as dogs might use a human leg.  The big dog grabs the small dog by the neck and picks him up like a rag doll and, whilst holding him in mid air trying to mount him (although he’s too far away to mount), he then does those thrusting actions (you know, the sex ones) that are absolutely nowhere near the smaller dog. Hilarious, and oh so wrong.

The instruction left for dealing with this is to firmly say ‘NO’, which, of course, works for approximately 3 seconds.  My personal choice would be to wop off the testicles. Their testicles, not mine, by the way.

The dogs spend a lot of their time shitting in the back garden.  Part of the looking after them ritual appears to be to slowly walk up and down the lawn scooping up dog pooh into plastic bags and then putting these into a large dog pooh dedicated dustbin.  Failure to do this quickly enough means that pooh gets recycled on their paws or fur, depending on whether they have trodden in it or rolled in it.

Apparently dog owning is fun though.  They are happy to kindly transfer the pooh on their paws onto floors and furniture, or clothes, of course, once back in the house.  How have I missed all this fun all these years by being a cat person?

Dogs are incapable of looking after themselves, unlike cats.  Cats just check out for a night on the tiles, as and when it suits them.  They would be deeply insulted to have a human chaperone.  In contrast, dogs have to go everywhere with a human.

Indeed, dogs on the loose kill babies, children, other animals, or other dogs.  Cats, in contrast, will shout at each other but usually avoid actual physical conflict.

My introduction to the pleasure of having to walk along with a dog, especially a husky dog, was one of being pulled from one place where dogs wee to the next.  It is essential in the mind of the dog to stick their nose into other dogs’ wee, give it a good rummage around, and then before moving on to the next place of wee, adding their own for the next dog to get ecstatic about.  So, a walk consists of checking out other dogs’ wee and weeing.  Humans seem happy to be part of this.

And, then there’s the ritual of passing other humans with dogs.  Both dogs will growl and bark at each other, and pull on their leads in order to either kill or have sex with each other. Apparently, humans also think this is a fun part of dog walking. Although not as fun as walking around with plastic bags in order to pick up nice warm squishy dog pooh that dogs have no idea how to bury or even how to deposit anywhere but the middle of paths.  Yep, I’m so glad I’m a cat person.

But I return once more to dog homosexuality, or indeed, dog inter-species sexual intercourse (such as with human legs).  How can they do all this and yet not be shunned by humans who hate other humans who are different to them sexually?  If dogs are gay how come Christians keep dogs?