I’m a cat person. I don’t ‘get’ dogs. Surely if you ever wanted proof that there’s not such thing as intelligent design, you just point to a dog.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’ve ever had a bad experience with a dog. Apparently, when I was small I lived on a farm with a whole load of them. Their main claim to fame was chasing vehicles leaving the farm and constantly biting at the tyres, yet never getting their heads crushed.
Dogs just seem such high maintenance, plus they are pretty much the most disgusting and unhygienic things evah.
I mean, right, they don’t groom or wash themselves, they shit where they stand then just move on, and spend their entire time peeing every 10 metres or so. The best bit is that they stick their snouts right into any residue dog wee they may encounter along the way. Or into the arse of any and all passing dogs. They obsess with licking and re-consuming their or other dog’s sick, pooh, or well, anything, really. They never have to worry that what they are eating might not be good for them, they can happily puke it up and walk on.
All dogs, without exception, behave this way, and it is with this is mind that I find myself driven to borking when I see humans letting dogs lick their mouths and faces. Yeuch. Why don’t these humans just go and plonk themselves down in the grass where a dog has left its wee? Disgusting people.
Dogs are the pets of people who like something they can shout at that will instantly cower in fear. Children grow up so are not a suitable choice. Dogs will live in fear forever, yet are so loyal that no matter how much physical abuse they get, they simply just come back for more. Dogs will do as they are told and will perform tricks to help the human ‘owners’ feel they have command and control over them. (They do.)
As I proclaimed earlier, dogs are proof that there is no god and no intelligent design. Nobody would have designed such an unfinished animal. Dogs are incomplete cats.
Cats are complete and self contained. They are far too sensible to allow themselves to stink and wallow in their own pooh, and are certainly not dependent on humans for much beyond food and a bit of petting.
So, I’m not a dog person. Neither am I a turtle person. Turtles? Why do people keep tutles?
However, I was volunteered as a person to look after two dogs and a turtle whilst their humans were on holiday.
Man, what a mistake. Well, the turtle wasn’t such a bad thing. It lives in an aquarium. Strangely it doesn’t do much beyond slowly shuffling around the aquarium, or sitting on its raised platform. It does get excited when it sees a human the other side of the glass, and goes a bit mental. Possibly because a human usually comes near a few moments before food suddenly drops into the water.
Part of its going mental routine is to rapidly haul itself up the side of the glass and then slide back down with a ‘plip’ that is identical to the noise made when using the toilet for a number two. I try, but I cannot get the image of somebody sitting on the toilet doing ‘plip plops’ as soon as I hear it.
My extremely lovely yet obviously equally mental partner has decided that the ‘plip plop’ activity isn’t just a very basic response to attracting food, but is in fact the turtle’s desire to communicate with her. She will spend many happy minutes, sometime 30 or 40 of them, chattering away at the ‘plip ploppping’ turtle, telling him (or ‘her’, how can you tell?) all different things, using one of those voice tones that people, well women, use to talk at babies.
It just doesn’t seem right having to listen to this plip plop and inane chatter. Something about it is extremely disturbing.
However, it is not as disturbing as discovering how sexually active the dogs are. I’ll share that later. I’m just going for a lay down. I can hear the plip plops starting.
England's England 