The search for non-willy porn

Not my kinda porn, honest.

Why can’t I find any porn aimed at me?

I mean, right, I’m a bloke, right, and so I’m not interested in men’s willies, am I? Yet, what’s porn? Yep, it’s men’s willies.

What’s that I hear you say? It’s not? You’ve seen some that wasn’t about men’s willies? I bet you haven’t.

Look, most heterosexual porn is what exactly? Yep, it’s a man and a woman having sex. And what is centre stage? A man’s willy. Think about it: You watch a man’s willy, and things happening to it.

If it’s a lady ‘being kind and friendly’ with her mouth, you are still really just looking at a man’s willy. If it’s one of those extraordinary shots where the couple has to engage in intercourse in a position they’d never normally attempt because they are not comfortable or stimulating positions, but positions that look good on camera then you are still looking at a man’s willy.

The fact is that ladies bits, mouth, ‘front bottom’, or whatever, are tiny compared to a man’s willy when it comes to framing them up for a porn video. So, like I’m wailing, they are lost as the screen is filled and dominated by the man’s willy and not the lady bits.

Now, I’m not against watching a man’s willy, but it just doesn’t turn me on. I get turned on by a lady’s bits. Not a man’s bits. So, I don’t want to be watching a man’s willy, ok?

As if watching a man’s willy isn’t bad enough, on a lot of the famous American porn-star porn, the men have willies that look 2 or 3 metres longer than mine! You want me to watch a big monster willy and get a complex now? Nope, certainly not a turn on in this man’s private room!

Don’t get me started on the horrors of having to watch a girl being shared by two or three (or more) men. Yep, a screen full of willies. Loads of them. Nothing but bloody willies. How’s that going to turn me on?

So, what does turn me on? Well, lady bits. I’m not turned on by the only really acceptable lady bit allowed on TV – the breast. I’m sorry, but a lady holding her breasts and making a fuss of them just doesn’t do it for me. I guess I want to see things a little lower down. But, ladies fiddling with their breasts that’s what greets me from the Babestation type TV channels. A lot of those breasts are fake – you can even see the place where the plastic bag full of squishy liquid has been inserted – so, in truth you are watching a lady making a fuss of a couple of plastic bags full of salty water inside a recently closed flesh wound. Excuse me? I want to be turned on! How does fondling a plastic bag full of salty water ever get sexual? Let alone scars from operations? Not one of my fetishes, I can tell you.

Look, we really do have to get lower down, ok? And, since I don’t want willies dominating my view, I’m guessing that leaves ladies playing with ladies, ladies playing with objects, or even just playing with themselves.

Aha, maybe this will do! But, wait a minute, I just happen to know that most of what ladies do with ladies on film is not what ladies do with ladies in real life (Don’t ask me how I know, I just know, ok). That means I’ve got to watch something that’s not real but has been made to the somewhat non-exacting expectations of the average male porn consumer who has no real idea what hot lady on lady action really looks like. Damnit. That’s no good to me then, I want something real.

Real? Hold on yet another minute. Even the lady playing with herself alone is probably only pretending she’s getting to the height of excitement when she starts thrashing herself about. And worse still. She’s doing this clinically in front of a full camera team and a director. There are a dozen people in that room they are pretending is this gorgeous, shapely and sexually alluring young ho’s private bedroom. It’s a stage set. And those moans and noises are dubbed on afterwards by some 80 year old ugly fat bird in a voice recording studio. None of this is real porn!

Sigh. What am I to do? There’s no real porn out there for me is there? No wonder I’m so frustrated!