Questioner: Hi, this global warming thing, could you show me the figures and data and calculations so I can understand it more?
Climate Scientist: You Heathen. Are you questioning the word of a Climate Scientist?
Questioner: No, I just want to see what you see, that’s all.
Climate Scientist: You don’t need to see it, you have the word of a Climate Scientist passed down to you. Thou shalt accept the word without question.
Questioner: Well, you’re telling me these things but not showing me the data that helped you arrive at this conclusion.
Climate Scientist: You don’t need the data, besides which the data has been lost, completely lost, so it’s not there to be seen! So, yah, boo, sucks, to you!
Questioner: So, you want me to believe what you are telling me but you won’t show me how you got to the conclusion you have.
Climate Scientist: You are a Denier. An evil Denier! Verily you will rot in hell for your blasphemy. Never question a Climate Scientist. Our word is law!
Questioner: I’m not denying anything, I just want to understand how you arrived at this notion that the globe is warming.
Climate Scientist: Notion? Notion? How dare you! You Deniers will force us to Armageddon and beyond. You are traitors seeking to destroy humanity and the entire planet. You are a danger to us all.
Questioner: Steady on, all I’m after is a chance to review what you are telling us.
Climate Scientist: Review? Review? The work of the almighty Climate Scientist is peer reviewed by thousands, nay millions of others, so you have no place trying to be a reviewer. You deniers are not welcome because you want the world to die.
Questioner: I don’t want the world to die, I just want to –
Climate Scientist: – The science is settled. There is nothing you can learn or change. Mankind is making the world die. We will be extinct within three years. Deniers will never be forgiven for questioning the science and causing the world to get even hotter.
Questioner: Well, since 1998 it’s actually been cooling, not heating.
Climate Scientist: No it hasn’t, it’s, it’s, erm, it’s all part of climate change. Not global warming, no it’s not that any more. It’s climate change. You can’t argue that the climate is changing.
Questioner: Well, the climate is always slowly changing, that’s what it’s always done.
Climate Scientist: No it hasn’t. The climate is changing because of human beings and them breathing out. They’re to blame and the only way we can save the world is to kill them all except for people Climate Scientists like.
Questioner: That’s a bit over the top isn’t it?
Climate Scientist: Tell that to the Polar Bears you Deniers are single handedly killing, you bastards. And every time you start your car another glacier dies in the Himalayas. You murdering bastards.
Questioner: But there are more Polar Bears than ever and the glaciers are melting at the same or slower rate that they always have, and the sea temperatures and seal levels are steady, and –
Climate Scientist: – I’ve got my fingers in my ears. I’m not listening to you. I’m right. You’re wrong. That’s the way it is. The science is settled. You are killing us all.
Questioner: Erm, you’re not making any sense. It definitely sounds like you’re not being scientific.
Climate Scientist: What piffle! Climate Scientists don’t need to be scientific. We already know what’s happening. We knew it was happening before we even examined anything to prove it was happening. The proof is that we said so, and that’s enough. Climate Scientists say 1 and 1 equals 5, and there’s no doubt that 1 and 1 equals 5.
Questioner: This sounds more like a faith, a cult religion, rather than a science.
Climate Scientist: Any more questioning and I’ll have you burned at the stake as all Deniers will be. Good day to you!
(Door slams and Climate Scientist wanders to the horizon muttering and chirping to himself like a budgerigar.)
England's England 