Top ten reasons why we really must resist Fracking in Britain. They must Frack-Off. We are on to them!
Fracking breaks up the rocks beneath our houses. This causes land subsidence and massive sinkholes. We’ve already started to see sinkholes appearing around the country. Fracking must be to blame. The Tory government won’t care when you and your pet dog fall down a sink hole and die. They will just fill it in with cement without even acknowledging that your twisted and broken remains are below clutching your demised pet.
9: Climate Change.
Fracking causes global warming. Lots of things are to blame for global warming, and absolutely anything that dirty filthy human beings do is killing our planet. The latest is that we are really hurting it by making it choke on Fracking. Fracking is short for fracturing. We have no right to fracture our poor planet. We deserve to die. All of us. Especially those who refuse to live in simple loin cloths and inside caves.
8: Privacy under attack.
Fracking is used to spy and monitor us in our homes. The Government knows that we have sussed them with their silent drones and black helicopters. They are using Fracking as a cover for putting listening devices and cameras underneath our homes to watch us and hear if we are plotting to be free of their power.
Fracking releases deadly toxins from plague pits and the layers of death and mass extinction that have remained undisturbed for millions of years. These toxins will leak up to the surface and kill us all. Just like they killed the dinosaurs. Kill us all. We are not able to resist the toxicity that we have not been exposed to before. We will all die.
6: Satan’s Shafts.
Fracking is like digging huge tunnels down to Hell. Satan will come back up through the digging and he will under cover of darkness take possession of our children, making them speak in tongues. Released by the Fracking, Satan will enter through our water taps and foundations, heading straight for our first born.
5: Alien Invasion.
A collection of space aliens are lying dormant deep beneath us. We will disturb them and that will activate their plans to subjugate humanity. They are probably a sect of lizards, the more dangerous ones than the ones that already masquerade as our Royalty and Simon Cowell.
4: Purple Pox.
Fracking will cause massive areas of pox to blight the land. There will be nowhere left in Britain that will not wither and die and turn a kind of dark purple. All plant life will be poisoned and a kind of purple. Like a bruise, only everywhere. Even the sky will go purple. In fact all the planet will be bruised and purple and it’ll all be our fault.
3: Fire and Brimstone.
Fracking will cause water in our taps to catch fire. Flames will burn our washing to a crisp as washing machines spontaneously combust, and our skin will peel when we try to shower. With no clothes and no skin, we will all die of hypothermia.
2: Underground lair.
Fracking is really a cover for the building of an underground lair for the lizards that are in power and control the Bilderberg group, the New World Order and the BBC. They will pretend we are working to extract gas, but really we will unwittingly be building a network of lizard tunnels for our masters.
1: Avoiding being American.
Hell yeah! Fracking has made gas cheaper in North America. This is Britain, we don’t like Americans. We don’t want gas to be cheaper or anything like that, because we don’t want to copy America. They are the axis of evil and are probably all lizards anyway.
Fracking? No way! Frack-Off!