When I first landed on this planet, I befriended an actual human, and explained I was new here. He was great because he taught me so much about humanity. We covered many different subjects during my first year on the planet learning about, well, everything.
I found a transcript the other day of when he was explaining to me about the whole concept of gardening.
Me: Ok, so you know all about gardens and nature, I guess. When I visited several thousand years ago there were plants like dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff like that. It seemed to be a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants would grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
Human: It’s the Suburbanites. They started calling those lovely flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
Me: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
Human: Apparently so. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
Me: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
Human: Apparently not. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.
Me: They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
Human: Not exactly. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
Me: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Is it food? Do they sell it?
Human: No, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
Me: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
Human: Yes, that’s about it in summary.
Me: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when nature cuts back on the rain and turns up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
Human: You aren’t going to believe this. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
Me: What nonsense. Are they mad? Well, at least they kept some of the trees. Trees are a sheer stroke of genius. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
Human: Erm, yes, well, except that the Suburbanites have drawn a new cycle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
Me: No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
Human: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
Me: And where do they get this mulch?
Human: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
I decided to stay on this planet in this time zone for a while. Humanity is hilarious.
England's England 