No, you’re an idiot!

An idiot spies a letter lying on his doormat.  It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.” The idiot spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

An idiot shouts frantically into the phone “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.  “No”, shouts the idiot, “this is her husband!”

An idiot’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.  His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”  He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.  “What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks. “Here boy” the idiot replies.

An idiot’s in jail.  A guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.  “What on earth you doing?” he asks. “Hanging myself” the idiot replies.  “It should be around your neck” says the Guard.  “I know,” says the idiot, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

An idiot rings his new girlfriend’s door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.  She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off, opens her legs wide and says, “This is for the flowers!”  “Don’t be silly,” says the idiot, “You must have a vase somewhere!”