The old lady, little Johnny, penguin, and fisherman

The Old Lady
An old lady walks into a plastic surgeon’s office and asks about a facelift. “Well madam we have 3 types we are offering, the first for $10,000, the second for $30,000 and the third is state of the art and currently costs $500,000.”
The old dear thinks about it and says, “I think I will go for the state of the art one. What’s involved?”
The surgeon explains that it involves a hidden screw at the back of the head and, “If you feel your face starting to sag just come back in and we’ll tighten it up for you.”
About 6 months later she comes back to the office, very upset. “Doctor, I want my money and old face back. I look awful. Look at these bags under my eyes.”
The doctor leans back in his chair and says, “Lady, you’re not getting a refund. Those bags under your eyes are your tits, and if you keep messing with that screw you’ll end up with a moustache.”

Little Johnny
Johnny’s sleep was disturbed by a rhythmic banging from his parents’ room. He peers round the door and sees his mother sitting astride his father bouncing up and down. The next morning he asks his mother what she was doing bouncing up and down on daddy’s stomach. Embarrassed but thinking quickly, she said, “your father has become a little fat recently and bouncing up and down on his stomach helps him lose weight.” “You’re wasting your time,” replied little Johnny, “the lady from next door comes round every day and blows him back up again.”

The Penguin
So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. He called the AA, and his car was towed to a local garage where the mechanic told him he would need a couple of hours to check out the problem. The penguin wasn’t in any particular hurry, so he wandered off to look around. Entering a local supermarket, he bought some fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream for lunch, and then hung out in the frozen foods section until it was time to return to the garage. The mechanic, seeing him enter the garage, came over wiping his hands on a rag, and shaking his head, saying “It looks like you blew a seal.” Blushing, the penguin quickly wiped his bill with his flippers, and replied, “Oh no! It’s just ice cream!”

The Fisherman
Two fishermen are fishing in a local river when a funeral procession passes over the nearby bridge. One of the fisherman takes off his hat and holds it close to his chest until the procession passes by then replaces it on his head. The other fisherman is impressed by this and remarks that he is touched by the others respect for the funeral, to which the fisherman replies “It’s the least I could do, we would have been married 35 years next week.”