England's England

Derren Brown. Oi, Derren Brown. You bastard. You utter bastard.

I watched your show on Friday the 18th during which you said you’d play me a film which would make me stick to my chair. You are a brilliant man, I’ll give you that. It really worked. I was glued unable to raise my arse from the cushion of the sofa. You then said that the effect of your magic would wear off by the end of your Channel 4 programme. I tried getting up at the end of the programme but nothing happened. I relaxed and watched some other programmes but still I remained stuck. I did try for hours.

It wasn’t long before I seriously needed the loo. But, guess what? You’d glued me to my sofa, you bastard. By 1 in the morning it was no good and I just had to wet myself where I was stuck. How degrading.

Anyway, let’s cut a very long story short. A few moments ago I finally got unglued after a horrendous 40 hours glued to my sofa because of you.

I will be demanding a new pair of underpants and sending you the cleaning bill for my sofa, Mr oh-so-clever Derren Brown.