England's England

Round and Round … but which way?

If you glance at this spinning lady you’ll at first see she’s a spinning lady going round and round in a continuous circle. However, by reading these words you are being empowered with a special ability that I’m loaning you! Yes, I’m allowing you the ability to make her spin the opposite way. Just look at her again and relax. Maybe focus on different parts of her body. Do whatever makes you comfortable. Then think about her spinning in a different direction. She will. Magic! Christopher England Magic!

Sprinkle when you tinkle

Moan moan moan. I’ve written before about women and their obsession with the toilet seat being up or down, as if they are the only of the sexes with rights over its position.

Some women are so obsessed with men and their use (or supposed mis-use) of toilets that in a work environment I’m aware of, the woman have banned men from what should be a unisex loo.

It’s taken me a good number of years to realise that in addition to their obsession with taking control over the loo, women have a misunderstanding of why men sometimes sprinkle when they tinkle.

Indeed, women don’t even realise that they themselves suffer from the same problem, such is their ignorance of how their wee comes out!

See, commonly women will say, “Can’t you aim straight?” unaware that the aim is completely irrelevant to the path the wee decides to take once leaving the body. As I said, this is true for both ladies and gentlemen. Ladies don’t realise this happens because they don’t watch themselves wee. Yet, their wee sprinkles out into the gap between the seat and the rim of the porcelain of the loo.

Ladies wee-sprinkle leaves this ’strange moisture’ on the underneath of the very seat they expect us men to put our fingers onto in order to lift up out of the way when it’s our turn to wee. Stale lady-wee under the finger-nails is not the nicest thing to have to walk around with, I can tell you.

Anyway, here are the facts that women don’t realise: The urethral orifice moves about and doesn’t always have a clean and circular nozzle to it to direct the wee straight forward. Likewise, there can be obstructions within the urethra itself which cause a swirl which means the wee doesn’t come out straight forward.

When this happens to a sitting woman she just sprinkles all over the place but it’s contained within the bowl and the lower part of her body (apart from the bits that get under the seat ready for a man to put his hand onto), some of it on her thighs and other parts of her ‘under-carriage’.

But, when this happens to a man, it can, to his horror, come out at any angle up to 90 degrees for a few moments. This can be the entire stream or a small sprinkley second stream. Obviously, as he’s standing, this can mean the wee flies off towards any part of the room apart from the toilet receptacle he is standing in front of. Yes, this can mean anywhere. However, it’s most noticed by whinging women when it ends up on the floor in front of the loo, or over the seat or other parts of the toilet. Lordy, they moan about putting their bare feet in our wee, don’t they? Sigh.

Yet, us men are far too polite to make a fuss about the salty fingernail problem they cause us, aren’t we?

The evil desecration of graves in Anfield Cemetery

Anfield Cemetery has some very old graves and gravestones alongside some from the more recently departed.  The older stones, as one might expect when the ground ‘settles’ (ie the coffin finally decays and the earth moves down half a metre or so to fill the space around the body previously occupied by air) are quite often lop-sided or have completely fallen over.  They tend to be left this way because nobody cares.

However, it is unusual in most cemeteries to see the more modern gravestones on their back, but Anfield Cemetery boasts quite a few.  Some even appear to show the signs of vandalism with bits missing or broken off.  This apparent desecration of gravestones appears to be quite acceptable in Anfield Cemetery, with nobody trying to clear things up or put things right.

Anfield, outside of the Cemetrary, is, like most of Liverpool, overrun with ugly dickheads who own ugly attack dogs (nobody owns ‘cute’ or friendly dogs for fear of being labelled ‘gay’).  For some reason these dickheads think it is perfectly acceptable to allow their dogs to foul the pavements.  They’ll even wait patiently watching them do it.  No attempt is ever made to “kerb your dog” as the old saying asked, so dogs will go right in the centre of the path, and the dickheads are certainly far too important to carry ‘pooper-scoopers’ and plastic bags in order to pick up and safely dispose of their dog waste.  The amount of dog shit on the pavements and consequently spreading disease over the shoes and ankles of most school-children is at epidemic proportions, with no journey possible without having to carefully step to avoid the mess.  The dog owners just don’t care, and nobody ever bothers to enforce local by-laws prosecuting the offenders for their anti-social behaviour.

Anfield Cemetery, like any of Anfield’s pavements, is also used as a dog toilet.  Dogs are disrespectfully walked alongside the gravestones and allowed to piss and shit at will.  Nobody cares.

Such is the disgusting level of disrespect and desecration of graves in Anfield Cemetery, that I passed one recently pushed-over fairly modern gravestone which had even had some fresh dog shit added to it.

Assuming the fact that the ‘new’ gravestone had been pushed over and that it had dog shit deposited on it were not both part of a single deliberate desecration, surely the ‘owner’ of the dog must have had some form of feeling that what he/she was allowing was in some way ‘wrong’?  Since no attempt to remove the excrement had been made, obviously not.  The dickhead felt there was nothing wrong with this picture!

What kind of depth have Liverpudlians reached when they think it’s ok to let their dogs foul over the gravestones of the recently departed?  How can these disgusting people just stand there allowing their dogs to do this?  How will the family or those left behind mourning the loss of their loved one feel about finding their last remaining marker to the life and times of their dear departed pushed over and covered in dog shit?

How completely wicked of the dog ‘owner’ to allow such a thing to happen.  These people have no concept of respect, and should be caught and sent to prison for their part in this evil act of desecration.

Valentine’s Day Hype

I’d have published this yesterday, but I was off on a private jet for dinner in Paris….bla bla.  Not!

Look, I realise that Valentine’s Day is a hype. It is a device used to generate profit for those who publish and sell cards. And those who sell flowers. Or chocolates. Or sexy lingerie. Or sell food in a restaurant. Or sell ads in a newspaper. Or…well, the list never ends. The fact is, it’s Valentine’s Day and you are supposed to spend your money.

I liked it more years ago when it was just about sending anonymous cards to unsuspecting people. Then it, like everything else, got far more commercial. If a coupe on Valentine’s Day haven’t exchanged cards, gifts, gone for a romantic meal, and then ended up having sex, the world has ended. Expectations are so high. The female wants to be romanced and loved. The male just wants good sex with her wearing the novelty kinky handcuffs. Both aren’t speaking the same language. Cupid is to blame. No he damn well isn’t, it’s the hype.

I usually ignore Valentine’s Day. My preference is to pick random days from the 364 non-Valentine’s days, and then suddenly buy flowers (although I do have issues about flowers, as I will explain another time), or cook a meal, or turn up with a card that just explains my feelings of love. By doing this, I am not falling for the hype, and my woman-thing, knowing I’m never going to do something on Valentine’s Day, isn’t put in the position of being overwhelmed, underwhelmed or disappointed about my performance on Valentine’s day.

Random acts of love and great sex. That’s what life should be about at any time or day in the relationship, not just on Valentine’s Day.

Why the Met Office “forecasts” are pointless

With those who do the long range weather forecasting like the wonderful yet eccentric http://www.weatheraction.com constantly being accurate with their ability to see almost to the exact week, 6 months ahead (he predicted the massive snowfall set to follow Valentines day), and the Met Office being constantly shown to be completely incompetent, I was interested to watch an interview with a Met Office man who had just received some massive pay bonus for something or other.

In this interview he said that long range forecasting was a new science and in its early stages, which is why they kept getting them so horrendously wrong.  You’ll remember how we were supposed to be having a mild winter after a promised barbecue summer.  100% fail there by the Met Office, despite the fortune it costs to run and the huge amount of tech they’ve spent our money on.

Anyway, he continued to talk up the Met Office weather forecasts, homing in on their “Five day forecast” as being wonderful and accurate and worth all the money we were paying them.

Like a red rag to a bull, I decided to test this.  I mean, this was the Met Office, the same insitution that wanted us to believe all the mumbo jumbo about future global warming.  They must know about climate and weather in the future or they wouldn’t be “forecasting” global warming would they?  Or would they?

On closer inspection I discovered that the words “5 day” and “forecast” are a tad bit misleading.  What they actually provide is a “nowcast” plus the four next days.  Yes, that totals five, but surely it’s “forecasting” only four of them.  Bit cheeky that, indeed, some might say ‘deliberately misleading’.

So I picked a random date in January and carefully watched the feeds and web predictions from the Met Office via their own site and the BBC Weather site. I’d picked the generic term ‘Liverpool’ as what I wanted one of these world famous “forecasts” for.  That seemed big enough and easy enough compared to a far smaller and more specific, say, “Number 6 Hedgeway Cuttings” address type demand on my part.  Surely I was being fair?

The first ever appearance of the forecast for my chosen day was at just after Midnight with now just under four days to go.  This told me that my target day would be Sunny, maximum temperature 3, overnight low 1, with a Northerly wind at 18mph. Hmmm.  Not a bad day then, a bit cold, not too windy, but at least it would be dry.  So, I could wrap up warm and sit in my garden in the sunshine.  That’s what I decided I would do when the target date arrived.

Within a day I noticed that the overnight low had changed from being 1 degree and was the colder 0 or freezing!  Mind you, there’s not a lot of difference really.  But, what’s this? Just two days to go and it was no longer Sunny but Light Rain Showers that were predicted.  What?  So, in other words they were wasting my time with the original forecast.  I was going to sit in my garden and get wet.  That’s a big radical difference to what I’d been promised.  Temperatures were now going to be 4 and 2, so that’s warmer by day and no longer freezing by night.  Winds were dropped a bit to 17mph, but this time coming from the North-North-West.

Yes, I guess you could argue that as we got closer and they were able to tweak the forecast that not a lot had changed beyond the rain replacing the promised sun, and I’m sure a spin doctor could say it’s all only a general trend guide.

With just 24 hours until my target day and the Met Office removed the prediction of rain and replaced it with “Sunny Intervals”.  What on earth does that mean?  What is a “Sunny Interval”? Is that still saying rain, but now and again there’d be sun?  Should I still be thinking it would rain or what? Anyway, the wind was now going to be Northerly again and 14 mph.  The daytime temperature would now be 5 degrees and overnight it would be 0.  Ah, so freezing again.  I wish they’d make their mind up.  Freezing point or not freezing point can make a big difference to vegetables and water pipes, y’know.

This was getting exciting.  With less than 6 hours to go, I checked in and to my relief my target day was again going to be Sunny.  No mention of rain, or these mysterious “intervals”, just “Sunny”, so no getting my head wet when I went out in my garden tomorrow.  I was looking forward to it.  The temperature was now going to be 4 and it would drop to 2.  Winds would again be North-North-Westerly and this time 20mph.  Hmmm.  A bit breezier than first ‘predicted’.

Finally my target day arrived.  According to what was now a “nowcast” it was 2 degrees out there.  Hmmm.  But only yesterday they’d said it would be 2 degrees at night, not by day.  Ok, fair enough, but yesterday they’d promised me “sunny” and I didn’t like the look of that dark overcast sky I was now seeing.  To my dismay the words “Sunny Intervals” appeared to have returned to the “nowcast”.  Oh well, out to the garden I went.  The cold sea air did make it a bit nippy, but I was ok  in the dull sunless cold waiting for one of these “intervals”.

Well, I was ok for about 20 minutes until I was forced to beat a hasty retreat into the warmth of my house.

It had started to snow quite thick fluffy snow which appeared to be settling.